965 Quotes by David Letterman

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women’s Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that’s missing an hour.

I’m just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, ‘Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?’

The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as ‘the Leno.’ There are really two sides to this story. And America can’t wait for Kerry to present both of them.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don’t think that’s the best way to go.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They’re both in China at the same time. It’s like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

Quiet down, we don’t want to wake the Russians.

Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn’t think I’d be able to do the show.