965 Quotes by David Letterman

Well, the manhunt continues for that elusive evil mastermind, but I’m telling you Enron CEO Kenneth Lay remains at large.

It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony – it’s not covered by Obamacare.

Ladies and gentlemen, after what I’ve been through, I am happy just to be wearing clothes that open in the front.

And tar is washing up onto the beaches – big globs of tar. And people are saying, ‘Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?’ No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket.

Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It’s amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.

You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There’s a show right here on CBS, it’s a huge hit. It’s called the “Mentalist.” And it’s about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It’s miraculous; he’s the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey.

New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we’re down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

I vote Democrat because I’m not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they’re going to make a movie about it. They’re going to call it ‘Some like it Jihad.’