965 Quotes by David Letterman

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, “So does the guy I stole it from.”

It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That’s amazing and not only that, but it looks like he’ll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.

The general election’s taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we’re one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

I just heard George W. Bush’s new plan for airline security. From here on out, every plane will now have its own hockey dad.

Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do.

USA Today has come out with a new survey – apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Snooki is now a published author. I’m blaming Sarah Palin. She lowered the bar.

It’s official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that’s what everybody thinks he said.

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart’s personal lemon zester.