965 Quotes by David Letterman

President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It’s also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.

Apparently, there’s something hinky about the new iPhones. They’re not hooked up right. There’s a problem with the antenna. They don’t like to be held – like my ex-wife.

I’m very resourceful. I’d be good in prison. I’d be good in a shipwreck. I’d make a great hostage.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It’s almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before.

It’s disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that’s just the folks here in the audience.

Bring Your Child to Work Day – that’s how we got George W. Bush.

Here’s what we know about Santa. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he’s with the NSA.