965 Quotes by David Letterman

I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn’t.

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We’ve all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.

There’s already been some trouble for Osama bin Laden in the afterlife. There was a mix up and he was greeted by 72 vegans.

Honey, what happened to “ladies first”? Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!”

Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him ‘their bright new star of the future.’

The weather here is gorgeous. It’s mild and feels like it’s in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

A lot of people think I’m retiring, but I’ve been telling a fib. I’ve been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He’s a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got into a huge debate with Arianna Huffington about immigration – going back and forth – finally immigration came in and hauled them both away.