965 Quotes by David Letterman

Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That’s pretty fitting, the guy that didn’t beat Bush endorsing the guy who won’t beat Bush.

Because you think an explosion has taken place and you’re looking at the shards and you say, ‘Well, can we put this back together?’ And by God, maybe you can put it back together. And maybe it won’t be the same, but maybe it will be different, and maybe it can even be better in a different way.

How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won’t be that big a deal.

Just make sure if you fail, you did what you wanted to do.

The White House is saying Donald Trump has ‘zero percent chance’ of being elected. Isn’t that a little high?

The Russian economy is tanking. It’s gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

Hookers in Times Square, God bless ’em, are offering a Mitt Romney Special. For an extra $20 they’ll change positions.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they’re finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can’t get enough gridlock.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, ‘That show doesn’t have a chance.’ The other half said, ‘That show doesn’t have a prayer.’