965 Quotes by David Letterman

Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It’s full of Hillary Clinton emails.

Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It’s like he was Newt Gingrich.

The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, ‘If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.’

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, ‘I am my own man.’ But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he’s always saying, ‘I’m my own man, plus another guy.’

Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like ‘Caddyshack’ movies. They should have stopped with one.

You know who’s upset now with ISIS? Al Qaeda. It’s because ISIS is getting more attention than Al Qaeda. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

Moammar Gadhafi was found hiding in a storm sewer with a gold-plated gun. That’s me in retirement, ladies and gentlemen.