965 Quotes by David Letterman

Night clubs scare me. They’re dark and they stink and they’re dangerous and everybody’s drunk.

To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You’ll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He’s as good as Houdini was at his best!

One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama’s dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield’s other ear.

President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he’s there in Europe, he plans to fire the CEO’s of BMW and Volkswagen.

Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I’m wondering what she did before.

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I’ve decided to marry my German Shepherd.

The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a cardinal.

Donald Trump had a university. Well, the state attorney general decided that the Donald Trump University was an unlicensed sham. And I thought, you know you’re at a bad university when your commencement speaker is Whitey Bulger.