965 Quotes by David Letterman

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It’s the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don’t have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

John Kerry says the ‘W’ in George W. Bush stands for ‘Wrong.’ But he still can’t explain what John Kerry stands for.

They’re talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, ‘I’m available.’

Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He’s almost certainly running, and I’m almost certainly retiring, so I don’t care.

You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I’m telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders.

I know these jokes aren’t great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you’re between impeachments.

Compared to Clinton, I feel like a loser. I can’t even get the intern to make me coffee!

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie’s yoga pants.