965 Quotes by David Letterman

Here’s some news from Afghanistan. We’re sending more troops to seal up the borders. Can we try that here? Three months, 12,000 pounds of bombs and billions and billions of dollars and the highest ranking enemy we’ve captured so far is an American.

Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he’ll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.

All comedians are preoccupied with one thing and with one thing only-themmm-selllves. It’s a horrible lot in life.

I haven’t reached nirvana yet, but I’ve been to Detroit.

Here in New York City, it’s cold. It’s so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

Here’s a little known fact – Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, ‘May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?’

Let’s have some wine, go upstairs, and look at my money.