965 Quotes by David Letterman

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that’s a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar’s Palace with our white tigers.

There just isn’t enough televised Chess.

Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds – 235 with cologne.

The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan’s part in World War II. However, he still hasn’t mentioned anything about karaoke.

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You’re the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I’ll just keep riding the subway.

There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It’s the Year of the Rabbit. And here’s how dumb I am. I’m still writing the Year of the Pig on my checks.