146 Quotes by David Spade

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, Oh, he’s good.

MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don’t care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say “how are you,” when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.

I just don’t like to go out and deal with the real world. It’s scary.

Don’t make your kids look hot and dirty and sexy when they’re 5-years old! It’s really not the place or the time. You’re about 11 years early.

As boys get older, they can’t let on that it’s cool to meet me.

People come and go around you, but you’re never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.

There’s always something funny about men chasing women.

I don’t like throwing myself in a place that’s going to rock my world.

Birthday Week should be a movie starring Kristen Wiig, not an actual thing you are desperately trying to organize for your life.