146 Quotes by David Spade

I can see getting married and having a family, because it is the next thing on the agenda. You can only do this for so long. I’m old, and my friends all have kids. And I’m single, still blow drying my hair!

You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad’s in the room. Low five!

Seriously, you don’t have to know English. It’d be nice, a nice little plus. We don’t want miracles. You don’t have to know the country’s language. But just some shapes, that’s all. A square. A little geometry.

It’s great to tell people you have your own show, but that’s where the fun stops.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can’t do that anymore.

I turn around and saw that he had the mega-box of sixty-four Crayolas. Like a cinder block. Biggest one you can get. It even has a balcony. Every.

Gossip is a plague that consumes weak, gullible people and blinds them from the truth of reality; it can devour entire city’s. I prefer keeping my eyes wide open.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn’t have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.

I talk to my dad all the time, he’s more like my buddy than my father, and he’s not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.