139 Quotes by David Walliams

Oh yes, of course I was bullied - The boys used to call me Daphne, which was meant to put me down. I was very camp.

And then there is a certain amount of magic which is difficult to explain as a science because it isn't. There is a certain chemistry the two of us have writing together, which obviously creates something better than us apart.

I know somebody from university who's called Phil Collins, and I think there's something terribly unfortunate about sharing a name with somebody who either is famous or becomes famous.

All you can do in this life is follow your dreams. Otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

All our lives are hard in one way or another... But listen to me... We need to be kind to each other, and stick together, OK? This place is tough enough without you making my life a misery.

Oh, I love this one. It’s absolutely beautiful!” she cooed. “And you are beautiful for delivering it to me.” Tom looked to the porter. The boy imagined the man had never been called beautiful before. “Did.

It’s strange how sometimes you can be so happy it goes all the way round to sadness.

We sort of expect to see men in women’s clothes. It’s part of our culture. The key thing is, it has to be done quite badly.

Run to the local bookshop and buy a copy of How to Learn Mind Control in Ten Minutes by Professor Stephen Haste and very quickly hypnotise Miss Spite into thinking he had already given her his homework. Disguise himself as a plate of spaghetti Bolognese. Bribe the school nurse into telling Miss Spite he had died.