713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.

For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I'm sometimes confused.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

I go the gym and I try to run on the treadmill and I listen to music but it doesn't motivate me enough. So I'm going to get a recording of a pack of wolves gaining on me. People would be like, 'Why is that guy crying on that treadmill over there?' 'I don't know, but he's been yelling, 'help' for like 20 minutes. He's getting a good workout.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak.