713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?