713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

I’ve heard of many chocoholics, but I ain’t never seen no “chocohol”. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don’t understand word endings. They’re probably “over-workaholled”.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it’s perfect for eyebrows.

If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!

I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.

Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

I think it’s cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.