10 Quotes by Dom Irrera

You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they’re not a doctor – like you didn’t know it?

My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids after school. Take them to the zoo. Take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, Look I got to level with you. I met another kid.

My whole family, all they talk about is food and disease. And they’re competitive with illness: I have a cold. I wish I had a cold! I don’t even have sinuses anymore.

I want to be a bloated alcoholic. That’s my goal – it is, I’m serious, because there is no other disease that is more fun than alcoholism. I know it has its downside, but I’ll tell you, there’s no other party disease like alcohol.

Everyone always says, Does it bother you that Italians are always portrayed as Mafia characters? No, it doesn’t bother me. First of all, not everybody in my family is in the Mafia. I have one uncle who’s clean.

I love that red wine is good for you. Isn’t that cool? I want to hear more of this. I want to hear more things in life like, Red wine, in conjunction with a lap dance, while watching NFL football, is the best cardiovascular workout you can have.

Nobody needs a cookie. You will never get your lab results back, Well, apparently, Miss Bexim what you need – and I am a doctor, I’ve never seen this before – some sort of a cookie. You’re actually too healthy. You need a cookie.

My cousin Louie, we walk into a bar, and he says, Dom, I think that waitress knows me. What do you think she knows, Louie? The fact that your belly came in four steps ahead of you?

I was an actor in college and it was much easier than being a waiter. I thought it was fun to get paid. People were not exactly surprised to see me going in the field.