42 Quotes by Doug Benson

I used to make love to Green Day’s music. But 9 minutes? I’m not Superman.

Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.’

Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you’re better off not reading that stuff.

Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don’t normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.