42 Quotes by Doug Benson

People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I’m a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don’t smoke pot think it’s a funny subject.

You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Willem Dafoe is a shithead.

We don’t want any pot-smoking vaginas because that’s disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I’ve never been able to get it out of my head.

The whole pot-to-alcohol thing is a huge issue with me, because I’ve grown to hate drunks so much, and like potheads.

In terms of my lungs, pot smoking is not like cigarette smoking. It doesn’t affect the lungs as quickly, or as much over time. If I stopped pot smoking today, my lungs could heal probably 100 percent in a few years.

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I’m not going to get mad at them, because I’ve put it out there that that’s what I do.