42 Quotes by Doug Benson

I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car – I still fall for it every time.

A talking dog is not the answer. That’s not a way to convince people not to smoke pot. If animals started talking to me, I would up my pot consumption just to make that happen.

I’m sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I’m waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there’s a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, ‘Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.’ I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.

If you ever go to Las Vegas, and you will, just go for a few days. I was there recently for seven days, seven days in Vegas. After I blew all my money on gambling and prostitution, I had six days to kill.

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won’t shut the hell up about it.

P. Diddy’s gonna be exhausted, you know, running with the Olympic torch in one hand and the torch he’ll always carry for J-Lo in the other.

I know there’s a lot of nasty humor directed at celebrities, but my feeling is, in most cases, they deserve it.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.