42 Quotes by Doug Benson

I made some jokes about weed, got some laughs, made some more jokes, got some more laughs; next thing you know, I’m telling a lot of jokes about it.

J-Lo finally married into her own music genre. Crappy music.

Tom Cruise shouldn’t try to win Oscars. He should just smile and kick people in the face and leave the acting to Hugh Jackman. Why Hugh Jackman? I dunno; come up with your own example, smart-ass.

A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it’s right for you.

Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.

It’s easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.

No one really needs to defend drinking. That’s something that frustrates me as a comic: I have to play clubs where selling booze runs the business, so crowds get drunk and yell out a bunch of stupid stuff at me.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.