333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

I am a player in life, not an observer. I look at herpes the way you look at a scraped knee.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised?