333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I've nothing to spend it on. I'm bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.

Did you ever try to sleep sober?

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.