333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

If you get offended by words - by noises we make with our mouths - it means you were raised by bad parents.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.