333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

That's why cocaine is illegal - it makes pussy too easy to get.

Charlie Chaplin said something to the effect that humor is an act of defiance, that we must laugh in the face of our helplessness in the forces of nature or go insane. And where is he now? Dead.

Excess in moderation: don't drink a few beers every day after work, wait 'till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.