333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don't have drugs.

Old people always tell you: 'When you've been around as long I have, then you can argue.' As soon as they're ripped off, it's a different story.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.