333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I’m doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don’t create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it’s controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

If I die soon, don’t ever say I died too young.

Get the right to marry – and then don’t.

I’m pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

Life is like animal porn, it’s not for everyone.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix ’em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

Life’s temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn’t even know you had until tonight.