333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

People want an idol. They want royalty. They don’t want a public servant. Hell no. They want someone to clap for and go, “Oh, he touched my hand at the rally!”

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know – and that terrifies me.

I’ve been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I do good things in my life, too. It’s just that none of them are funny.

What if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don’t want to be led.

I’m in a perfect position. I don’t want to be more famous and I can’t lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who’s the tallest, and act like it’s anyone’s game!

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop’s only job is to ruin the party.

You’re born absolutely free except for laws of nature, if you drink you get drunk, that’s a law, if you get old you die, that’s a law too; if you sit on a tack you will bleed from the ass, these are the only laws that you’re born with.