333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It’s like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.

You never hear in the news, ‘Two hundred killed today when atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the agnostic stronghold in the north.’

Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying your day. You die at the end.

Babies are like poems. They’re beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they’re silly and they’re irritating.

I need you to love me, I don’t like me, either, if that helps.

I’m just funnier when I’m drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

If you get offended by words – by noises we make with our mouths – it means you were raised by bad parents.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I’m at.