333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions – would be to eat it.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it’s not a sexual thing. I’m not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

There’s only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Life is like a movie, if you’ve sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn’t going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I’d get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can’t talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.’s new show sucks.

Separation of Church and State is the perineum of America and the episiotomy didn’t hold.

I’ve jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.