333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

I’m not saying drinking is all that great but you know it’s got benefits; you can’t smoke somebody pretty.

I don’t know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

If you’re offended by any word in any language, it’s probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

The Mind is everything. Do drugs. But just don’t have drugs.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

If you’re in high-school and you’re not having fun, quit.

I am 42 years old and I have $9000, and I am out of ideas. I’ve nothing to spend it on. I’m bored shitless. I will die with that $9000.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don’t you? It’s sad. I’ve lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It’s sad to see ’em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy’s key ring, it’s like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.