333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

I’m a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they’re accurate as well.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I drink during every show. I can’t remember the last show I did completely sober. It works for me. I use it as a tool. It’s like steroids are for athletes. I’m looser and more self-confident. If I drank less, I wouldn’t have been on stage this long.

Artists who say that they’re artists: usually people who need a job.

I think it’s probably much easier to do political comedy from a two-party point of view, in that the majority have some sense of what it means to be one or the other.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you’d have something to look forward to at this point.

Anything that I don’t understand or can’t do is stupid.