333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

All that stuff, tradition and heritage. It’s dead people’s baggage. Quit carrying it.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That’s what it’s all about.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

One UK paper described me as a “miserablist”, a word I’d never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

There’s nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don’t you just write it in a children’s birthday card.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can’t see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Excess in moderation: don’t drink a few beers every day after work, wait ’till the end of the month and drink all the beers at once.

I’ll defend child pornography, how about that? What’s wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?