333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can’t even get AIDS there yet.

Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they’re idiots and college wasn’t going to help.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one’s own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people’s, preserve dignity.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn’t?

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you’re nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

I’ve had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I’m glad I got a hooker last night.

I don’t have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there’s really nothing you can do about it. It’s like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people’s motivation to use them.

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can’t pelt them with poop.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I’m not going to try to talk you out of it.