333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

I’ve been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word “evil”? Oh, I’m a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says “evildoers”. Chug the bottle for “axis of evil”. Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they’re ugly.

Pot is to narcotics what herpes is to social diseases; it doesn’t count cos it’s not really dangerous and it’s too easy to get.

I’ve never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I’ve always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I’ve never had a goal, and nearly everything I’ve done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

I’m not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana’s never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don’t.

Just for being a religion at all you’re as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ’em and share ’em. Then come to the show.

I think a lot of women look at hookers like scabs crossing a picket line. “You can’t just go out and sell it! We’re holding out for so much more!

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you’re killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.