333 Quotes by Doug Stanhope

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

I'm in a perfect position. I don't want to be more famous and I can't lose sponsors, so I can say anything I want.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Here's the path to sobriety: Play the Ron Paul drinking game. Watch CNN and take a drink every time someone says his name.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?