318 Quotes by Dylan Moran

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you.

Love in all its forms is very difficult ... to express. It changes, obviously. If you’re young, and you’re romantically in love with somebody, and often if you’ve just met somebody, its crazy! It’s completely overwhelming. You can’t think of anything else. You just want to climb inside the other person and live under their pancreas. And then it mellows, somewhat... to the point where you can barely look at them... without feeling a mild distaste

Fran Katzenjammer: "You need someone normal around here". Bernard: "Normal! He's normal is he, is he"? Fran Katzenjammer: [chuckles] Bernard: "What am I then"? Fran Katzenjammer: "Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that". Bernard: [pauses then blurts] "Yes. I know. But I have rights"!

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The trend now is to get away from stage bound sitcoms.

You're doing your own thing if you're doing stand-up, obviously, you are the show.

There was a time when I thought if I see Victoria Beckham's face any more I'm going t forget my 11 times tables because my brain is going to dislodge old information to accommodate the new.

Some people have told me that I'm grumpy; it's not something that I'm aware of. It's not like I walk around poking children in the eye... not very small ones, anyway.

Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.