273 Quotes by Eddie Izzard

Oh, Captain Clever! Rattle it, if it doesn't go off it can't be a bomb!

You're going to eat that later? You're going to take it home?

I am a professional transvestite, so I can run about in heels and not fall over. Cause if a woman falls over wearing heels, that’s embarrassing. But if a bloke falls over wearing heels, you have to kill yourself. It’s the end of your life.

Theres a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didnt say, I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.

You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!

Tea and cake or death...students with beards 'tea and cake or death, tea and cake or death...little red cookbook, little red cookbook.'

You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.

In Britain we have a very powerful tabloid culture with celebrities on the front page crying with their make-up smeared and tears, and it's kind of what you'd expect from someone who likes to dress up that way.

Imperial Soldier: Oh... I... Oh.Imperial Commander: What is it lieutenant Sebastian?Imperial Soldier: Its the rebels, sir... they're here.Imperial Commander: My god man! Do they want tea?Imperial Soldier: No, I think they want something more then that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they brought a flag.