119 Quotes by Elayne Boosler

I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on all the furniture. Even the poodle. Looked like a barking hassock walking down the street.

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!

Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.

I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?

I love my parents and they're wonderful people, but they were strict, and I still look for ways to get even. When I got my own apartment for the very first time and they came to stay with me for the weekend, I made them stay in separate bedrooms.

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

Horse racing is waning in popularity.