119 Quotes by Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

The message of great art is to disturb.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.