317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.