317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Some mornings it's just not worth it to chew through the leather straps.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

How many people here have telekinetic power? Rise my hand

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.