317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Even the worst comic is at least somewhat entertaining, if only in a pathological way, for five minutes.

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?

My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw this game on TV, and I said, Hang on, how come their catcher doesn't have his hands tied to his ankles?

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

I went into the gas station, said, Fill 'er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.