317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Every night my wife used to give me a foot massage. And my face would smell weird afterwards, but...

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.