317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn’t any gum under any of them.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It’s an ecumenical prayer. Whether you’re Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”