317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.

So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

I went into the gas station, said, Fill ’er up, Harry. The guy said, Regular? I said, No, put on a gorrila suit and dance like a fairy.

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

I’ll do anything for my wife, it’s turning out.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.

I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.