317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.

Isn’t this a wonderful country? I was in Florida. I’m staying at a motel called the Three Palms. It’s run by a middle-aged couple, one of whom is missing a hand. OK! That’s what I thought, too! But they got upset when I asked.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.

I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.