317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, ‘I’ll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I’ll be famous.’ So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me.

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk – I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: ‘Don’t do that.’ You never see that these days. ‘Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.’ Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn.

I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back...

New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I’m an adult.

They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.