317 Quotes by Emo Philips

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two!’

It’s amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife’s cat.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.